Best collection of funny dark humor jokes
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it.
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At the doctors office:
Doc: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live…"
Man: "Doctor what on earth are you saying?”, clearly chocked, “Tell me what can I do to live at least a little linger, please…"
Doc: "Do you eat fried food?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ill do it" Doc: "Do you eat fat food?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ok doc" Doc: "Do you stay up late?"
Man: "Yes" Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ok" Doc: "Do you have sex often?"
Man: "Yes!
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… I’ll do that too"
Doc: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it’s so that I live more… I will"
Doc: "Do you drink?"
Man: "Yes..."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me, how longer will I live?"
Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.
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Who is the fastest reader in the world?
9/11 victims, they went through 87 stories in 10 seconds!
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A doctor was delivering a baby. He then got it out and the mother wanted to see the baby. The doctor patted it on the back. Then started spanking it, and did it rougher. Then he just slammed it on the table as the nurse tried to stop him.
The mother was screaming, and the doctor says:
“Just yanking your chain! It’s a stillborn!”
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Answer: Spawn camper
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How do you kill 100 flies in 1 swat?
Answer: Slap a Libyan in the face
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Answer: Doesn’t matter, what is she doing outside of the kitchen?
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The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son truly my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything holy that he is your son.” With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered “Thank goodness he didn’t ask about the other three.”
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Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
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I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
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Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
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A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
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"Mother, why do people die so quickly in our family?"
...
"Mama?"
"Mama?"
"Maaaammaaaaaaa!"
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Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.
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Titanic: „And I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!”
More?
Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!
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For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
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What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull?
Just the pit bull.
Take some rest!
“Madam, your son just called me ugly!"
The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."
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My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
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"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
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My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
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TLittle Johnny: „Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?“
Mother: „No, you’ll be getting turkey, like every year!“
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I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
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Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."
Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."
Friend, "But you can't die of that!"
Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we had to shoot him."
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Doctor to a patient: "I have good and bad news for you. Which one would you like to hear first?"
"The good one please."
"I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to live."
"And the bad one?"
"I’ve been trying to reach you for two days."
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Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
Patient: What condition?
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